Firstly, this is in no way to be taken seriously. I also do not wish to cause offence to any previous suitors. The purpose of this post is so I can have a good long laugh at all of my previous romantic encounters. If I have to mention names, they will be changed.
It is no great mystery that my love life has been more than colourful... but with every up has come an ever bigger down.
For example:
(note: these are also not in chronological order to avoid possible identification)
Boy 1:
If I'm ever to sit back and think "what the fuck?" it'll be about this boy.
A few months into our rather tumultuous fling, Mr. Not-So-Right looks me dead in the eyes and says "I regret leaving my ex for you."
Now that I look back on that romantic statement, I can't help but laugh out loud, I only remembered this recently but it gets me every time.
We stayed together for a little while after but if all good things come to an end, then apparently so must the bad ones.
Boy 2:
Where do I even begin? I wouldn't have classed this one as being a boy in my life only for the fact I was heart-eyes-emoji over him for 2 years and he used to barely nod his head at me if he saw me. My poor heart would flutter. As all good relationships start, we matched on Tinder one day. I thought nothing of it, sure everyone matches with people they know. Shut up, Éimear, he doesn't fancy you, stop that.
Long story short, we shifted all of about once. We didn't speak for 3 months when he then decided to break up with me out of absolutely nowhere.
Was I unknowingly in a relationship with this practical stranger? News to me.
Boy 3:
As with all of my romantic endeavours, I couldn't hold this one down for longer than a few months. It was only well after our break up that all of my friends thought he'd be in the news some day as a convicted serial killer. The sad thing is, I know they're right. What a fuckin' looper. I won't delve any deeper when it comes to this one, but lets just say I won't be visiting him in jail.
Boy 4:
Well if I've ever been in love, this was it. Talk about a generic Irish boy, lives with the parents on the farm in Kerry, only wears check shirts and chinos, bit thick, but G O R G E O U S. It's no secret that I'm in love with this boy and have been for the last 4 years. (Out of these 4 years, I haven't spoken to him for 3.)
It's Muster Final night 2015, Kerry were playing Cork in my lovely hometown of Killarney, myself and the #gals are out revelling in the post match crowd. I'm talking to a boy on the dancefloor, when out of the corner of my eye, I see him. Having not spoken in 3 years, I'm sprinting across the room to say hello to him and have a laugh. We got separated pretty quickly and I got very distracted by the fact Kevin McCloud (yes, the man from Grand Designs) or his exact double was at the bar. No one would listen to me. It WAS Kevin McCloud.
Eventually, who's next to me on the dancefloor only himself, all 6ft7 of him. I was hammered and needed to tell him that Kevin McCloud IS IN THE BUILDING. HE IS, I SWEAR.
Me being a miserable 5ft8 by comparison required him to bend over to listen to me over the music. He had absolutely no idea who I was talking about (and rightly so. Who under the age of 40 admits to watching Grand Designs???) and he could only say "what?!" so many times before it got awkward. Sure his face was right there, so was mine, we might as well.
The girls (who are all well aware of my grá for the boy) have never laughed as much in their lives. Admittedly, neither have I.
Either way, I wished the prick a happy birthday on facebook a while back and he never even liked the post. Gowl.
Boy 5:
I distinctly remember talking to this one on Tinder and unmatching him within half an hour. This lad sent shivers down my spine and made me weep for humanity.
I was out with the #gals one night, a few drinks in and we're tearing lumps out of the dancefloor. We had all been picked off by lads. One by one we parted ways to spend time making awkward conversation with lanky, spotty, over-mammied Kerry boys in the hopes of a few free drinks.
A very tall, very dark, VERY handsome boy comes over to me, he seemed fun to talk to and next thing I know we're shifting. (#RESULT)
By the end of the night, my feet hurt from dancing and I'm fit to collapse into a taxi home, already half-way through my 3in1.
All of a sudden, I see this boy in the street with his friends. Certainly a lot better looking when I'm drunk and it's dark. I remembered he was gas so I went over for the chats but realised I didn't know his name. As soon as I asked, it dawned on me. This was him. The pervert from Tinder. I've never run so fast in my life.
